you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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