Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
