I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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