why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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