Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
