how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
