Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize