My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
