I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
