somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize