mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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