i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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