If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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