I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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