who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
