I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
