Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
