can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's never too late to be topless.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
