He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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