just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize