I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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