I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
