I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
