if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
