i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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