my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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