last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
