I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
