tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
