Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
