mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
