your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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