So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
