at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
