also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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