Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
