I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
