if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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