It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
