i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
