How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
