Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
