News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
