Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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