i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
