Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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