who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize