make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
