I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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