Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Congratulations! We have a period
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
