Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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