I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
