we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
