If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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