I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize