So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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