Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize