News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
