On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
