After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
