Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize